Finding the Good Doctor

October 31, 2017

I finally found a primary care doctor worth a damn. It’s invaluable. I wish I woulda found him 15 years ago but he was somewhere else. How grown-up that I even think to celebrate such an accomplishment. Truly, solidly mid thirties here. 

At the end of every appointment he offers me a smattering of specialist referrals like a candy dish. I mostly decline (I come from hearty genetic stock). He says something witty like “I don’t want you to suffer”. Then he asks me if I have thorns. I remind him of the Bret Michael’s anthem. (Literally EVERY rose etc etc). And we trot down the hall together until next time. 


Loose Ends

October 31, 2017

What better day than Halloween to feel all the feelings I’ve been busying myself against. I feel pretty much the same way I did on the first day of NMH when I was 13. I am supposed to be here, I like it here, but what now?  

Trusting myself enough to do my best has been the work of my mid thirties. So anyways, that’s what I’m doing this week. My best. Finally got my acid reflux under control, plus walking around this city everyday. Finding new corners, new places,  leaves unturned.  Insert intentionally sneaky metaphor here… Painted rocks that look like candy corns. New squirrels too, or the same squirrels from summer only plumper. ‘Tis the season.  

Also this giant fell over the Sunday night storm. I was sad but also reminded change is quick and immediate some nights. And no one was under is.  Except maybe a fat squirrel’s nest hit the decks. Ce la vie. There’s always next year to aquire storm insurance.

Petey Goes Social

October 25, 2017

Petey has her own Instagram now. I tried to tell her I am NOT that kind of owner but she has that terrier stubborn streak. 

Follow Petey @peteywalkseho

Loving Words

October 24, 2017

Written by my friend and teacher, Tory Marsh.  Posted here with Permission. 

I know it’s been a couple of weeks, and you’re doing okay. I wanted to reach out and say that I love you, and I know that the #metoo movement all over Facebook has probably been pretty rough. 
I felt it so I know you’ve felt it, too. 
And, now we’re at that time when it’s after the funeral and all of the guests have gone home, no one is around to mourn and feel sad with… and you try to get on with life. Alone. Sad. Pretending like you’re fine, and feeling everything but. But you’ve been fine before so you’ll be fine again, you know that much.
I know that you didn’t ask for this quiet secret part of yourself to be opened. I know that you didn’t decide to finally heal these old wounds and bring them to the surface to be let go. You weren’t really ready for it, or asking for it.
I know that again, without your consent you’ve been flooded with the past instances of abuse, harassment, and victimization… all happening at the same time in your mind, reliving stories as they appeared from that long forgotten storage place. Feeling the wave of confusion, hurt, blame, disappointment, fear, shame, and a whole host of other mixed emotions… all at the same time in unexpected ways. Assaulted, again. And faced with decisions about how to share, are you willing to share, sharing a #metoo if you can… and even in that small gesture is unbelieveable weight and pressure and danger. I know, I have felt it, too.
Keep doing the best you can. Know that you survived then and you are surviving now. Get the help if you need it. Reach out if you need it. I know that these stories, this unrest, this disturbance doesn’t just go away as the hype dies down. But you’re brave, you’re strong, and you are capable. Love yourself, heal yourself, release yourself from this weight that you carry that maybe you no longer have to. It’s all coming up to the surface to release. Feel through it, do what you need to do. Meditate, throw some Ho’oponopono at it, tap on it, talk about it, journal it out, release yourself from the chains holding on to this, cry, scream, paint, dance, nap… whatever you need is the right thing.
Keep doing the best you can. Know that you are loved, you are worthy of love, and that you are safe. I love you so much. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. ❤

Sunday Some days Slow days

October 22, 2017

Around here Sundays are as close as we get to a slower pace. I rode my bike up to Park Hill Orchard to do yoga under the sun and trees. It was my second time but no less magical today. Afterwards I bought an apple and a serving of cheddar cheese and swooped down the hill back into the little city I love so much. 

Then Will bought a French bike at an estate sale and we played frisbee with the kids and I stewed black beans. It never reached perfect but it touches the edges some moments.

We survived. And we are here.  And the kids are playing and laughing. The beans smell delicious. We survived.  

(The sculpture is from Park Hill Orchard’s exhibit “Art in the Orchard”. Unfortunately I didn’t write down the artists name to credit them.  If anyone knows please leave it in the comments and I will add it to the post.)

Sweater Weather

October 21, 2017

Petey is so warm she got blurry. 

What should we do about Jilly?

October 20, 2017